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The Love We Think We Deserve

by year over year

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justmeandwho
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justmeandwho Overall my favourite album in a long time! Favorite track: Hell.
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1.
Love 03:19
i guess here i am alone and drunk on the bathroom floor trying not to call you like i used to. so i turn the lights back on and pray to any god that you’re not working late so you could calm me down. would you please calm me down and i’m trying not to be so scared of existing outside of my perception, it’s a step in the right direction of not hating every single thing i do. do you still hate me too?
i know i made you hurt but i never was the love that you deserved.
2.
Hell 03:36
i’m so scared to call you and i know my voice disappoints you i would do anything to hear “i love you” from your tone again.
i’m the hell that’s sewn into your skin, your biggest mistake was letting me in because i ruin everything. i’m afraid to leave so i’ll do it while you’re asleep. i’ undeserving and hate the way i behave. i wrote on a postcard to you but i threw it away. and with my finger i wrote into you hand “i’m in love with you but i’m hopeless you wouldn’t understand” and with your finger she wrote back “you’re the hell under my skin but i’m in love with that”.
3.
A Short Swim 03:13
i’m a wishbone on your window sill so patient and still. waiting for a moment to be broken by you and a love wishing for endlessness for two. i’m between your sheets so temporarily. you’re in love with me so temporarily. matched i love you’s i fell apart, your lips never correspond with your heart. desperate and drunk in the back of a cab searching for my hand. i wish i could love like that. my eyes shift from you to the floor it’s a long walk home in the morning from your house to my back door but i’ve been there before. i wish i felt the same. and i wish i would stop pushing you away.
4.
Charm 03:15
do you still have pictures of your friends hanging above your bed? i memorized what you said, how my charm isn’t getting me ahead and how you loved me differently or at all when i left. i’ve been complacent with myself and i’m so sick and i’m so tired of it. the sleeping pills and the alcohol beside my bed. boiling water on the stove and i always forget if i’m becoming less apprehensive, if you loved me differently or at all when i left. and you were “i love you” left in the dark afraid of response so i pretended to sleep, the words replayed inside my head for weeks. exhausted and sick, love’s destabilizing.
5.
Wilt 04:09
hold still i dare you and watch me leave, continue to breathe. lie awake at night and wonder if i felt a thing before you dropped me. the light bled through into an empty room, i’d lie if i said i didn’t think of you when i left like you wanted me to. and i’d lie if i had to, i’d lie for you. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t miss you but i hope that you miss me too.

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released November 27, 2020

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year over year British Columbia

summer of the dog

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